Dumped Girlfriend

A girl sent this to her boyfriend after he dumped her:

Dear Boyfriend,

You can't just dump me by saying it's over, I won't believe you. I want the following things to support your decision.

3 months notice before break up
Police affidavit
2 pages of reason
19 minutes of voice note saying why you're dumping me
Copy of reasons to my parents.
Your parents' permission written and signed by them and verified by the police.
And lastly you will have to perform rituals and sacrifice two fat cows to the ancestors/gods for hurting my feelings.

If you were the boyfriend, what will you do?